Beatings will continue until women know their place, confirm Met Police

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The Metropolitan Police have today confirmed that beatings will continue until peaceful protests improve, or even better, the women just shut up and go home.

Defending their heavy-handed actions against a group of peaceful, unarmed women taking part in a vigil yesterday, Metropolitan Police spokesperson Cressida Schlong told us, “The steps we took yesterday to control these women were entirely reasonable and justified.

“Most of these women were probably not planning on causing trouble, but some were armed to the teeth with candles and posters, and the only reasonable way of handling this kind of threat is to slam their faces into the concrete without warning.”

One protestor told us, “We were just paying our respects to a woman who was likely murdered by one of their own, why would they want to shut us down so viol-

“Oh, actually now it makes a bit of sense.”

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One police officer, PC Rogers, who asked not to be named for fear of retribution, told us, “Those women made us behave the way we did. It’s not our fault.

“It’s just important for women to remember when taking part in future vigils that you’ll be treated a lot better if you are white, male, and a football fan.

“Then we’ll escort you around peacefully wherever and whenever you like.”

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