Sir Keir Starmer to defect to the Conservatives after becoming disillusioned with his own leadership

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One of three possible Labour defections to the Tories is rumoured to be party activist Sir Keir Starmer, it has emerged.

After a conference marred by infighting, hecklers and his own jokes, sources close to the former lawyer claim he is disillusioned with the Labour movement and the direction he is taking it.

Starmer used his first party conference to set out a clear message to voters in his self-penned 78-page pamphlet entitled, “Democratic Progressivism: Reshaping the Neo-Liberal Consensus in a Post-Pandemic Marketplace.”

However, rows broke out over one-member-one-vote, the role of the NEC and Luciana Berger’s access to the finger buffet.

Labour insider and Starmer pal, Simon Williams, said, “Smashing the left-wing, waving the Union Jack and fucking over those on the minimum wage are all things Sir Keir feels could achieve more easily under the Conservatives.

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“In switching allegiances like this, Sir Keir is merely leaving behind a party that sees no racism for one that sees absolutely no problem with it.”

Williams added, “For him, politics has always been about helping hardworking families.

“And Boris Johnson has six of them.”

Based on an original idea by “Roy”, author of the Algorithm Party