Monday 4 October 2021 by Chris Ballard

Pied Piper called to Manchester to deal with infestation of rats in blue rosettes


Pied Piper clearing rats in Manchester

As the Conservative Party Conference gets underway in Manchester, city officials have called in the Pied Piper of Hamelin to get rid of a particularly nasty swarm of rats.

Manchester resident Simon Williams was woken up last night by a strange noise coming from his kitchen.

“I crept downstairs to discover a big fat rat hiding in my fridge, eating all the cheese. The remains of my chewed up benefits cheque littered the floor. I knew immediately it must be part of the virulent ‘Tory’ strain.

“I called pest control but by the time they arrived the rat had escaped, closing down the mental health clinic next door as it fled.”

Many more of these Tory rats have been spotted across the city, disrupting public services by chewing through ambulance tyres and gas lines.

Mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy Burnham isn’t taking any chances.

“I’ve called in the Pied Piper of Hamelin before these horrible creatures completely destroy the city,” he said.

“The plan is for him to play a medley of patriotic tunes like ‘God Save the Queen’ and ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ on his magic pipe – this should lure the Tories away from the city centre to Salford Quays where they’ll all drown.

“We can’t afford to pay him but hopefully that won’t be a problem.”

The Pied Piper said, “If they refuse to pay me I’ll lead their children away just as I did the rats… Oh wait, no – I’m perfectly happy to put Tories in the canal free of charge.”

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