Russian flagship Moskva on patriotic new mission to investigate sea bed, insists Kremlin

author avatar by 2 years ago

The recently hydrated Russian warship “Moskva” has been redeployed to carry out scientific investigations at the bottom of the sea, according to a reliable Kremlin source. 

Russia insists earlier reports that the heavily armed vessel had sunk following an enemy attack are “bollocks”, as are rumours that it collided with a seagull. 

In addition, stories of a raging fire onboard the vessel can be easily attributed to head chef, Sergei Willyamski, who was flambeing mussels in cider as a special Thursday treat for weary seagoing patriots. 

The battle-hardened crew are now en route to a location some two kilometres below the surface, where it is feared they will unleash a genocide on langoustines and other shellfish critical of Putin’s war of liberation.

Moskva’s sudden submergence is the most notable since the General Belgrano was shot in the back after posing a clear and present danger to Margaret Thatcher’s re-election hopes.

A visibly shaken Vladimir Putin told reporters, “We decide to redeploy the Moskva after it took on more water than luxury hotel mattress following Donald Trump visit.

“Engine room now look like closing scene from Das Boot Director’s Cut.”

Dismissing suggestions of a premature watery grave, the Kremlin say the ship’s crew will carry out vital work on the sea floor, hundreds of fathoms from the attentions of foul-mouthed Ukrainian sailor boys. 

Putin added, “Sea floor is historical part of Russia. We are having there many proud fishes with big glowing eyes.

“Is fucking mental.”