Newcastle boss Steve Bruce lured to Saudi embassy to ‘discuss transfer window’

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Steve Bruce will meet with fifteen loyal associates of Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman at the Saudi embassy later today to “mull over the transfer window”.

The out-of-favour manager, whose team is propping up the Premier League, received a one-way rail ticket to London Euston, paid for by the Saudis, who say it’s cheaper than booking a return online.

Bruce said, “So far I’ve had very positive discussions with their team over the phone when they called me at 3am and told me to drop everything and get down to London as quickly as if my life depended on it.

“Great sense of humour those Saudi guys, which, to be fair, doesn’t always come across when you read about public beheadings and the brutal, systematic torture of failed soccer coaches.

“Anyway, they told me they want to hammer out some new terms and take a saw to the difficult issues currently facing the club.

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“I was delighted, obviously, and they seemed very happy indeed when I said I had sacrificed everything for this job and would happily continue to do so.”

Saudi conglomerate representative, Sayeed Al Wilhamza, said, “We feel certain of a very constructive relationship with Mr Bruce going forward, seeing as Mr Benitez is sadly unavailable and Mr Mourinho is proving surprisingly resistant to our prolonged persuasion techniques.

“Please be careful of the plastic sheeting. We are having the embassy, er, decorated.”

He added, “How much would you say Mr Bruce weighs roughly?

“Oh – it’s for a suit.”