RNLI rescues Nigel Farage from drowning in his own toxic bullshit

author avatar by 2 years ago

Former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, has been rescued by the RNLI after being consumed by a tidal wave of his own toxic faeces.

The RNLI received a call yesterday that a prick with a loudhailer was in distress off the coast of Dover and immediately started the meter running.

It is understood that Farage got into difficulties after an inflammatory speech about immigrants and failed to estimate the resultant colonic backwash.

By the time the RNLI heroes arrived on the scene, the GB News presenter was up to his neck in a sodden shit-pool of his own making.

RNLI midshipman and general spokesperson, Simon Williams, said, “Conditions were fairly choppy when we arrived. We were dealing with hurricane-force rhetoric, near-horizontal piffle and a racist foghorn that wasn’t helping matters.”

Farage gleefully accepted the help on offer despite only days earlier labelling the RNLI as a taxi service for illegal immigrants – like Uber but with lifeboats and fewer rapists.

Farage said, “I take back what I said about the RNLI being a taxi service for drowning migrant bastards, but if they were, I would definitely have given them five stars.”

Williams added, “There are people who say we should have left the grubby little shit-encrusted fascist to drown, but it is our mission to help people of all colours and creeds.

“Even the brown ones.”