Tories to replace Boris Johnson with Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

author avatar by 3 years ago

Boris Johnson – the Laurence Llewelyn Bowen of British politics – is set to be replaced by the real-life flamboyant “homestyle consultant”, according to reports.

The move comes after Johnson is said to have spunked eighty grand of public funds on a ghastly pink sofa with echoes of the 1975 Khmer Rouge massacre outside Phnom Penh.

And with growing unease as to the future direction of tasteful home furnishings within the Conservative Party, prominent members have signalled their approval of the slightly camp, but apparently straight, interior design.

Due to the ongoing and costly renovations at Number Ten, Llewelyn-Bowen is set to dictate policy from inside his stunning Cotswolds home, in which period features brush shoulders with scatter cushions by industry stalwart Justina Blakeney.

The former Changing Rooms host is expected to launch an early reshuffle and add a touch of zhush zhush zhush to Britain’s oft-criticised Coronavirus response.

Meanwhile, Chancellor, Rishi Sunak, who clashes with a lampshade, could be gone within days, making way for Carol Smilie who would bring some much-needed Celtic thrift to the Treasury.

Tory spokesman, Simon de Monteforte Williams, said, “Bowen’s key ally, Handy Andy, will be responsible for Northern Ireland with the proviso that he seeks permission from senior paramilitary figures before knocking down any walls.”

He added, “One of the definitely heterosexual Prime Minister’s early flagship policies will be to make it easier for hardworking families to buy drapes.”

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