Thursday 29 April 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Margaret White from ‘Carrie’ current favourite to lead DUP


Margaret White the new DUP leader

With the resignation of Arlene Foster as leader of the DUP, thoughts are turning to who will be her replacement and the current favourite is the religious lunatic mother from 1976’s Carrie, and to a lesser extent, the 2013 remake.

“Margaret White really has everything we’re looking for as a leader,” said DUP MP Sir Jeffrey Donaldson, who thinks you’re all going to Hell.

“She believes that literally everything nice is evil and everything horrible is good. So, kissing boys, holding hands, pretty clothes, puppies, flowers, and smiling would all be frowned upon.

“Feeling guilty, being serious, getting up early to apologise to God for stuff and believing that dinosaur bones were just put there by godless heathens to trick people into believing the Earth wasn’t created by God 4,000 years ago would become the cornerstones of DUP policy.

“Mrs White could really take the party forward from where we are now. There would be a lot more sackcloth and wailing, which is really the sort of thing that the DUP should be doing.”

DUP supporters liked the idea of one of the most terrifying religious villains in cinema history leading their partner.

“She was clearly cruel and insane,” said Simon Williams, a DUP supporter who would like to see Britain return to the Middle-ages.

“That’s exactly what I look for in my government representatives, so she’ll certainly have my vote.”

Whilst Mrs White is the favourite to lead the party, John Doe from Se7en also has considerable popularity, as does Reverend Harry Powell from Night of the Hunter.

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