Jersey crisis escalates as France axes Bergerac from TV schedules

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As the Jersey crisis threatened to boil over like a carelessly administered Hollandaise sauce, France has vowed to axe all future screenings of classic British detective drama, Bergerac.

While British vessels made their way to the Channel Islands, the French prepared to recall their light entertainment ambassador from London if their ridiculous terms were not met.

The news will come as a blow for generations of French men and women who have enjoyed the spectacle of a heavily perspiring British detective recovering from alcoholism and a broken leg.

Bergerac marked a post-war high-point in Anglo-French relations, which soured when chef Raymond Blanc used his influential TV show to try to pass the gurnard off as a fish.

In retaliation, Blanc and his sidekick “Adam” have been placed under house arrest at his Oxfordshire “manoir” for using ersatz chervil in a bouillon, which MI6 insists is code to launch an attack on Sark.

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Meanwhile, ugly scenes unfolded in Paris when a crowd of yellow-jacketed agitators attempted to tear down the statute of John Nettles on the Champs Elysees.

French Minister de l’Interieur, Professor Lafayette, said, “Until further notice, all eight series of Bergerac, including the Christmas special, are cancelled.

“No longer will the Loire valley echo to ze sound of its distinctive theme tune.”

However, last night there were signs that diplomacy was beginning to bear fruit when Government spokesman, Simon Williams issued this statement to reporters:

“Our friends across the Channel have left the door open for another series of Eurotrash.

“As for Bergerac, we remain optimistic that the show will return in its original format on Netflix.”