France makes it to midday without surrendering

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Observers from the Guinness Book of Records have arrived in Jersey amid reports that France has got to midday without running up Le Tricolor Blanc.

After two fisheries protection vessels were deployed overnight, experts suggested that Calais would fall by 6 am followed by Paris shortly afterwards – leading to shock amongst global military analysts and historians.

Some commenters have suggested that Prince Philip snuffing it might have encouraged other nations to try it on a bit.

“I think we can safely say this situation is unprecedented,” said Professor Simon Williams of the Kettering Institute of Stuff What Happened in the Past.

“Under normal circumstances, the lure of rough red wine and some croissants over a game of boules has the French military keen to wrap things up and bugger off home by lunchtime, so active hostilities making it to early afternoon is an indicator of the seriousness of the situation.”

However, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defense clarified that as a general rule French farmers and fishermen are a much greater threat than their military.

They told us, “If you think this is bad you should see what happens when we try and sell them our lambs.

“We’ll be lucky if half of Kent isn’t on fire by nightfall”