Afghan refugees to be assessed for fruit-picking skills

author avatar by 3 years ago

Afghan refugees are to be welcomed into Britain based on their fruit picking ability, it has emerged.

All newcomers will be assessed using a points-based system, with those who’ve had a hand amputated by the Taliban likely to score lower on the scale than others.

For once, the ability to speak English will be less important than a determination to pick fruit in freezing Lincolnshire drizzle while being scowled at by locals.

Meanwhile, Afghans are reportedly delighted at the chance to flee a country with crumbling infrastructure and move to one with a similar amount of crumbling infrastructure.

With the country slowly descending into chaos, poor levels of education, and the looming spectre of civil war between rival factions, thousands of Afghans have decided that the UK sounds like ‘home from home’.

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Government spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “For many, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to escape a murderous foe and settle in a country that has an excellent track record in making migrants feel welcome.

“However, those expecting a land of milk and honey should probably check out the dairy aisle in Sainsbury’s before applying.

“Remember – not all Afghans are terrorists. Besides – our reasoning is that anyone who can drive a Peugeot loaded with explosives to a crowded marketplace can probably drive an HGV to Tesco.”

Newly employed arrival, Bashar Al Sayeed, added, “Five thousand apples on this shift Mr Boss sir!”