A shit week for Keir Starmer has ended on a low note with Chinese space junk wrecking his expansive back garden.
The bulk of the rocket was destroyed as it re-entered Islington, but Chinese state media reported that significant debris landed just to the west of the Labour leader. Killing twenty ornamental carp.
Starmer was on his patio, reviewing the Sunday papers’ derisive coverage of his leadership, when he heard the distinctive whooshing sound of something plummeting downwards.
However, Starmer was reassured by a focus group that it was merely his approval rating.
The Labour frontman immediately blamed colleague Angela Rayner for the incident, insisting it was her job to be on the lookout for random Long March-5b rockets in a decaying geostationary orbit.
“Angela had one job to do and that was to minimise the risks posed by obsolete space hardware to people and property on earth,” Starmer told reporters.
“She has singularly failed in that duty.”
However, Starmer critic, Simon Williams, hit back, insisting, “Starmer has made himself an easy target for former comms satellites, left-wing critics and hostile trade unions within our own solar system.
“Misfortune of this variety would have burnt up on approach to someone like Andy Burnham.”
The narrow escape is thought to be the closest encounter of space debris with left-leaning political figures since the tail-fin of a Sputnik rocket got wedged up Harold Wilson’s arse.