Sunday 9 May 2021 by Chris Ballard

Rail bosses promise passengers significant investment in state of the art excuses


UK Rail excuses

With a return to commuting on the horizon, passengers will be delighted to learn that railway firms have spent millions developing the next generation of feeble excuses for their shitty services.

Anyone who’s spent the past year working from home has probably enjoyed the break from ‘leaves on the line’ style reasons for why their train services have been delayed or cancelled.

Well, there’s no need to worry that the ‘new normal’ will mean a return to the same old unconvincing explanations for why your train isn’t running.

“When people start commuting again they’re gonna be blown away by a raft of innovative new excuses,” said railway boss Simon Williams.

“Passengers will be rolling their eyes and turning up late to important meetings for reasons they would never have thought of!”

Mr Williams talked through some of the highlights:

Cracked trains

The first of the new excuses to be rolled out, high-speed services between London and South Wales have already been cancelled due to cracks in the lower section of some carriages.

“This was caused by a combination of poor quality materials and excessive speed,” explained Simon. “Genius, no?

“High-speed services will resume soon but will probably be restricted to around 25 mph.”

Unavailability of passengers

A clever twist on the hackneyed ‘unavailability of train crew’ excuse.

“I love this one!” said Simon. “Classic yet fresh. We’ll just have to lock the station gates to make it work.”

Train has low self-esteem

Anthropomorphism will apparently play a part in the future of shoddy rail services.

“Our passengers will love having trains which seem a bit more human. Why shouldn’t engines have a crisis of confidence from time to time? And how can you be angry when they do?”

A butterfly flapped its wings in Beijing

Good old-fashioned chaos theory.

“The amazing thing about this one is that it’s literally nobody’s fault. It’s the ultimate excuse.”

Mr Williams revealed that millions had been spent on consultants to come up with these new excuses.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “The cost will be more than covered by January’s massive increase in fares.”

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