Keir Starmer’s reshuffle results in Labour losing eight shadow cabinet posts to Conservatives and Greens

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Labour figures who have been struggling to adequately explain the party’s loss of Hartlepool and hundreds of councillors, are now at a complete loss for words to explain how the party has managed to lose eight shadow cabinet posts during the latest reshuffle.

The latest setback for Mr Starmer has put Tory MPs in several important shadow cabinet posts, raising concerns that Labour will be unable or unwilling to form an effective opposition to the government, a situation described by political experts as ‘business as usual’.

“I’m bitterly disappointed in the results of this reshuffle,” a visibly confused Starmer told reporters.

“I have taken full responsibility for finding a scapegoat, I’ve fired my milkman, I’ve shoved my budgerigar off his perch, and now I am working hard to put Labour in a position to win the general election.

“We have a mountain to climb, and to climb a mountain you need to start in the correct place – right at the bottom. And I’m taking the Labour party there as quickly as I can.

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“The good news is that the shadow cabinet now contains several Conservatives, and unlike me, they actually have a clue about how to win an election.”

Mr Starmer’s allies have defended his handling of Thursday’s terrible election results, and say they look forward to seeing Sir Keir’s handling of terrible election results for many years to come.