Monday 21 March 2022 by Gary Stanton

Russian cosmonauts were merely paying homage to Everton’s 2013 away kit, insists Kremlin


Russian Cosmonauts

Cosmonauts kitted out in the colours of the Ukrainian flag are merely massive fans of perennial relegation-battlers, Everton FC, the Kremlin has claimed.

The striking blue and yellow combo donned by the orbiting spacemen pays tribute, according to Putin’s henchmen, to the dashing away strip sported by the Toffees, during a season that culminated in an historic two-nil win over Hull City. 

Kremlin chiefs say it’s no coincidence that the staunch Evertonians are carrying out vital work on the International Space Station, which offers  some of the best aerial views of Goodison Park in the world, or, indeed, out of it.

Sergei Willyamski, a spokesman for the Russian space program, said, “You need to remember that as well as being great at science, these guys know the sheer frustration of being packed in like sardines at the Gwladys Street End, barely able to see a thing, while their team is thrashed three-nil at home by a below-par Tranmere side.

“Despite growing up near St Petersburg, our dedicated team have stuck with the blues through thick and thin – mostly thin – and were inconsolable this week upon hearing of the death of former manager Gordon Lee.

“So when we told them they’d be carrying out vital scientific work in a geostationary orbit above one of the most rundown parts of Liverpool, they were like several weightless rats up a fucking drainpipe.”

Crew member, Andrei Bushkov, added, “It’s true, Ukraine liberation operation is none of our business. Thank you President Putin for releasing my wife and children.

“These outfit remind diehard Russian EFC fans of halcyon day of win at Stoke and early exits from Europa Leagues.”

Bushkov added, “Did I mention that we are hating the red shite.”

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