Priti Patel facing ten years behind bars after causing ‘serious annoyance, distress and inconvenience’

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Priti Patel is facing ten years banged up like a slag when her new policing bill is accepted by parliament this week.

The Home Secretary will almost certainly do bird and, for her own protection, is likely to spend it on the fraggle wing with all the nonces.

Patel’s sentence will hinge on whether the prosecution can prove that threatening senior public servants with a hot iron constitutes “distress” and whether having your police pension slashed in half is deemed “inconvenient”.

Mrs Patel finds herself in a shit predicament after failing to read the small print of her own proposals, which were drafted in the small hours following a ouija board session with reluctant former members of the SS.

Under the new proposals, other infringements that could see UK citizens locked up for a decade are walking on the cracks in the pavement, pretending to be Peter Tatchell, and calling Michael Gove a twat on Twitter in groups of more than three.

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The new laws will also allow police to tackle unauthorized encampments, in which someone with dreadlocks is loudly banging a tambourine.

Police will also be allowed to impose start and finish times on demonstrations – handy for anyone who needs to catch the train home afterwards.

Government spokesman, Simon Williams, added, “Following her imprisonment, Boris Johnson is likely to replace Patel with a relative moderate, such the warmed-up corpse of Joseph Goebbels, who in all fairness has mellowed with age.”