Priti Patel promises harsh sentences for any man who harasses women while also fly-tipping

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Responding to the growing outcry over the murder of Sarah Everard, the government has explained that their new policing bill would harshly punish violent misogynists, provided they harm women while committing a more serious offence such as not liking a statue.

Home Secretary and failed Turing test, Priti Patel, took time off from edging to slaughterhouse footage and briefed the press about how her new laws would make women safe from any man breaking the law by protesting climate change or existing as a traveller.

She explained, “Yes, we propose that dropping off migrants on a Kentish beach be more severely punished than rape, and yes, we routinely assign more cops to protect a statue than to patrol areas where women are vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we are doing nothing.

“Once this bill is passed, any man who wants to grope women during a demonstration we don’t like is shit out of luck, because we’ll ban that protest at the drop of a hat.”

Denying the new bill was a woefully inadequate way to deal with actual criminality and more of a response to the laundry list of imaginary grievances cooked up by Daily Mail columnists, Patel explained that the government was personally affected by violence against women.

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She went on, “Our PM is a notorious misogynist whose father, and serving tory MEP, once broke his mother’s nose. Boris himself caused neighbours to call the cops out of fear for his partner’s safety. We have ministers who have choked a woman on camera because she interrupted his dinner, an MP is in jail for sexual assault and another accused of rape whose identity we protected like he was undercover in the Kremlin.

“If there’s one government that knows about abuse towards women, it’s us.”