Monday 15 March 2021 by Pete Redfern

Women advised to become racist statues if they want the police to start protecting them


Women protesting in Clapham

Women across the country have been advised to become statues associated with historical racism if they want to be safe, and quickly.

After a number of women spent Saturday evening getting smashed face-first into concrete after committing the heinous crime of holding a peaceful vigil, women who don’t wish to have six police officers kneeling on their necks have been urged to consider becoming statues instead.

Home Secretary and dreadful human Priti Patel released a statement this morning saying, “Protecting statues is a priority for the police, above all else.

“We are now in the sunlit uplands of Brexit, and there is literally nothing else going on in society for me to have concerns about, or for the police to spend their valuable time protecting.

“These strong, silent statues are mementoes of our great colonial past, and I will continue to instruct the police to protect them with all their might, which I’m sure is what the country wants me to focus on right at this minute.”

Mother of two Eleanor Gay, who received an elbow to the back of the head from a police officer on Saturday, told us, “I suppose it is too much to expect that the police might actually protect women who are out at night.

“Clearly the only demographic they care about protecting are the ones made of metal or stone that provide a likeness of notable proponents of the British colonial past. So it’s clear that if we are to go out at night without fear of attack then we might as well do our best to look like a nineteenth-century slaver.”

She added, “I’m confident we’ll be looked after this way.

“Attacks on women are often blamed on how we dress, so I guess it will make a nice change to try and look like a statue rather than having to worry about whether our skirts are an ‘appropriate length’ or any of that other bullshit.”

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