Articles By Pete Redfern

Pete couldn’t think of an interesting bio, the lazy sod.

Man who successfully completed Veganuary spending today eating his own body weight in meat

Man who has never been to Scotland looking forward to getting drunk to celebrate poet he’s never read

Queue building in Gents loo after man chooses to use the middle of three urinals

Uxbridge and South Ruislip constituents travel to Ukraine in the hope of meeting with their MP

UK

We are the authority on sex and marriage, insists church that was only created because Henry VIII wanted a divorce

Santa warns that some toys won’t be delivered on time due to elves spending all their time dicking about on shelves

Nadhim Zahawi’s horses are being kept nice and warm, government reassures worried taxpayers

Santa warns he can only deliver presents within 180 miles of North Pole after switching to electric sleigh

Matt Hancock to replace Matt Lucas on The Great British Bake Off

UK

King Charles announces plan to replace Beefeaters with Quorneaters

Rudolph facing redundancy after Santa picks up bargain SatNav and LED headlights on Black Friday

UK

Collins Dictionary word of the year revealed to be guttural howl “AAARRRGGGHHH!”

NewsThump to release Christmas TV advert

Technology

Twitter in chaos after thousands of blue-tick accounts spring up claiming to be Spartacus

Liz Truss expected to announce a U-turn on her right-wing views and rejoin Lib Dems

Toryism is a gateway to fascism, warn drug users

Bookies slash odds on Matt Hancock winning Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins as he’s killed more people than the instructors

Liz Truss to punish Vladimir Putin by running Russia’s economy for a week

‘Yeah, that queue is a bit too long now’ admit The Proclaimers

UK

Nation stunned after Paddington reveals he is an anti-monarchist

UK

Arrests will continue until mourning improves, warn police

UK

“Well that ride sucked,” says bitterly disappointed child after queueing for two hours just to look at a box

UK

Prince Charles busy practising looking sad in front of a mirror

Donald Trump can have the empty jail cell he was saving for me, offers Hillary Clinton

Daily Mail celebrates ‘Barely legal sexy girls getting exam results’ day

How about blessing the rains down in England, population asks Toto

0.1% of bacteria not killed by anti-bacterial spray having a right laugh

Liz Truss criticised for wasting energy as her lights are on but nobody’s home

UK

Liz Truss poses for several dozen official photographs of her ignoring ‘attention seeking’ Nicola Sturgeon

Woman who closed email with “no worries if not” actually very worried if not

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