Greg Hands launches stand-up career with brilliant ‘judge us on our record’ joke
Greg Hands hinted at starting a promising new career in comedy with a cracking gag about the failings of his own party.
Nursery school teacher says woke brigade ‘has gone too far’ after toddler identifies as a little teapot
A nursery school teacher has been left stunned and confused after a small child declared themselves to be a little teapot, short and stout.
“I’m not boring” Starmer tells an audience of gently snoozing journalists
Sir Keir Starmer has today tried to wake a press junket en masse from their slumber to tell them how interesting he is.
Let’s just make Sir David Attenborough Prime Minister and get on with our lives, nation suggests
With everyone increasingly tired of the various charlatans vying for the votes that would let them take control in parliament, the British electorate has suggested a novel solution.
Cause of May’s miserable weather traced back to some idiot’s purchase of a sun lounger in April
The weather is unremittingly shite because some berk went a bought a sun lounger at the end of April, experts have today confirmed.
Man who spent over a grand to see the northern lights in Iceland last month now feeling a bit silly
A man from Surrey who spent more than a fair amount of his hard-earned cash on four nights in Reykjavík is now absolutely kicking himself.
‘It’s wokeness gone mad!’ – fury as supermarket sells genital-free gingerbread PERSON
A local supermarket has become the first chain to sell gingerbread men that aren’t 100% anatomically accurate, stunning fellow retailers and customers with their ‘woke nonsense’.
Government’s plan to stop migrant boats by surrounding the UK with a floating barrier of human shit nears completion
The government is reportedly very pleased to see that its aim of surrounding Britain with a protective ring of human shit is going to plan.
Ten libellous statements about Mark Zuckerberg that he’ll never see as his algorithms have crippled political satire
We can write whatever we like as only about five people will end up reading this article thanks to Facebook’s algorithms, it has emerged.
Man’s attempt to give up sarcasm for Lent going SO well
A jaded man’s attempt to give up sarcasm for Lent is going REALLY well, it has emerged.
Parents living in fear that teenage daughter might give in to peer pressure and try veganism
Parents of a twelve-year-old girl have expressed concern that her vegan friends may be leading her wildly off the rails, according to reports this morning.
Millions planning to celebrate that time Jesus and his disciples ate pancakes or whatever
People across the land will today be gorging on pancakes to mark that time that their Lord and Saviour ate some pancakes with his pals, or something like that.
Man who successfully completed Veganuary spends day eating own body weight in meat
A man who gave up eating meat for January has managed to eat an entire dead pig to himself.
‘If you don’t like our laws you should get out of our country’, nation tells Lee Anderson
Former Tory party deputy Chairman and future provincial pantomime villain Lee Anderson, has been told that if he doesn’t like the laws of this land, then he should go and live somewhere else.
Prince Andrew to argue that it wasn’t a wild sex party at Jeffrey Epstein’s place, it was a ‘work meeting’
After Prince Andrew was named in the Epstein files, his legal team have insisted it wasn’t a party, but a ‘work meeting’.
Santa warns that some toys won’t be delivered on time due to elves spending all their time dicking about on shelves
Santa Claus has warned that some toys may not be ready in time for delivery due to some ‘staffing issues’ at the North Pole.
Santa warns he can only deliver presents within 180 miles of North Pole after switching to electric sleigh
If you live outside a 180-mile radius of the North Pole then you’ll be out of luck when it comes to presents, it has been revealed today.
Collins Dictionary word of the year revealed to be guttural howl “AAARRRRGGGHHH!”
The guttural yell of despair “AAARRRRGGGHHH!” has been declared the word of the year for 2023 by Collins Dictionary, after a sharp rise in its usage during the last 12 months.
If you don’t like obeying our laws then you should get out of our country, Tommy Robinson told
Former EDL leader and professional gammon-herder Tommy Robinson has been told that if he doesn’t like the laws of this country then he should go and live somewhere else, after being found guilty of contempt of court at his High Court appeal.
Rudolph facing redundancy after Santa picks up bargain SatNav and LED headlights in Black Friday sale
Father Christmas reportedly took advantage of a 50% discount on SatNavs and LED headlights at his favourite online retailer, the result of which has left his most famous reindeer facing a bleak Christmas.
New study reveals Chinese are actually just as good at whispering as anyone else
Researchers have sent shockwaves around primary schools and playgroups by revealing that the Chinese are no better or worse at whispering than any other race. The study, commissioned by the department of party games at Oxford University, tested the whispering capabilities of a number of ethnic groups to establish if there was any truth behind
If you don’t like our laws you should get out of our country, Lee Anderson told
Tory party deputy Chairman and future provincial pantomime villain Lee Anderson, has been told that if he doesn’t like the laws of this land, then he should go and live somewhere else.
Bookies slash odds on Matt Hancock winning Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins as he’s killed more people than all the instructors combined
With the current series of Celebrity SAS now well underway, the former Health Secretary has been made the bookies’ favourite to win.
Satire site receives one millionth “I thought this was supposed to be satire” comment on Facebook
An online satire site has today received its one-millionth comment along the lines of ‘this is not satire’, after it was posted on the site’s Facebook page.
Man’s feet and legs just about visible beneath massive vape cloud
A friend of yours who has taken up vaping e-cigarettes can now only be identified by the sight of his legs and feet protruding from underneath a cloud of vapour.
‘Land Of Hope And Glory’ dropped from Last Night Of The Proms after being fact-checked
It has been announced that the absolute banger ‘Land Of Hope And Glory’ is to be dropped from Last Night Of The Proms, as it is blatantly neither.
Man stubbornly refuses to try any of the fifteen other settings on his washing machine
A man who has used the same setting to do all his washing has today confirmed that he won’t be trying any of the other weird and wonderful settings any time soon.
Daily Mail celebrates ‘Barely legal sexy girls getting exam results’ day
The Daily Mail is today celebrating the one day of the year where they can ask attractive eighteen-year-old girls to pose for photos without feeling at all seedy because it is A-Level results day.
Woman who finished email with “no worries if not” actually very worried if not
A lady in her thirties who asked for something in an email and ended it with ‘no worries if not’ was lying, it has emerged.
Avocado hoping to spend National Avocado Day being celebrated meets horrific end dissolved in stomach acid
Avocados have been left bitterly disappointed after learning that National Avocado Day is in fact bad news for all of them.
