Violent clashes erupt between feuding National Trust and English Heritage gangs
Simmering tensions between two rival membership organisations spilt over into violence in a tearoom yesterday, according to reports.
Fears grow that after losing his deposit while failing to become Uxbridge MP Laurence Fox will resume music career
There is growing concern amongst the electorate that Laurence Fox could seek to punish the nation with his ‘acting’ or ‘music’ again, after narrowly missing out on becoming London mayor by only millions and millions of votes.
Finland has more than enough tractors to defeat a Russian tank invasion on their own, confirms NATO
Newest NATO member Finland probably wouldn’t need military support in the event of a Russian invasion anyway, according to senior officials.
Glastonbury festival cancelled due to good weather
Glastonbury organisers have called off the festival on the first day due to a worrying forecast of pleasant weather, describing the current sunshine as ‘not in keeping with the classic Glastonbury experience’.
Nursery school teacher says woke brigade have gone too far after toddler identifies as a little teapot
A nursery school teacher has been left stunned and confused after a small child declared themselves to be a little teapot, short and stout.
“I’m not boring” Keir Starmer tells an audience of gently snoozing journalists
Sir Keir Starmer has today tried to wake a press junket en masse from their slumber to tell them how interesting he is.
Let’s just make Sir David Attenborough Prime Minister and get on with our lives, nation suggests
With everyone increasingly tired of the charlatans making their living in parliament, the British electorate has suggested a novel solution.
Grandmother treated for shock after Internet search for a device to cool the air at home leads her to OnlyFans
An elderly lady has today been treated for shock after going on an unsuccessful online hunt for a fan.
Employees delighted after new member of staff turns out to be a grammar pedant
Staff members at a Wokingham law firm have expressed delight upon discovering that a new joiner is a bit of a stickler for grammar and spelling.
Toddler saving his deepest philosophical questions for bedtime
A child will be asking some deep and puzzling questions at bedtime instead of asking them during the day like a normal person, according to reports this morning.
We only shot those dogs because they were black, explain Metropolitan police
The Metropolitan Police have this morning been quick to defend the shooting and killing of two dogs in Poplar yesterday.
Fears grow that after failing to gain credibility in the local elections Laurence Fox will resume music career
There is growing concern amongst the electorate that Laurence Fox could seek to punish the nation with his ‘acting’ or ‘music’ again, after narrowly missing out on local election success by only millions and millions of votes.
Tory voters avoiding eye contact with everyone else in polling station queues
Conservative voters are awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with pretty much everyone who has gone to the polling station to cast a vote in their local election, according to reports.
King Charles to get a Prince Albert ahead of his coronation in honour of his great-great-great-grandfather
The King of the United Kingdom is to be adorned with a right royal piercing ahead of the coronation this Saturday, NewsThump can exclusively reveal.
People who make tea in the microwave should be put to death, insists Britain
Outraged tea drinkers across Great Britain have today united in anger at the suggestion that microwaved tea is tastier and healthier than brewed tea, calling for capital punishment for irresponsible microwave users.
I didn’t believe it was a party because no one was burning £50 notes in front of a homeless person, insists Boris
Boris Johnson has been quick to stress that he didn’t mislead parliament because the ‘gathering’ that took place during the first lockdown wasn’t really a ‘party’ as it didn’t comprise activities that Tories typically associate with a jolly old time.
Republicans defend Trump by insisting “traditional marriage has always been between a man, his third wife and a porn star”
Following the revelation that Donald Trump could be arrested over his attempts to claim as ‘campaign expenses’ the hush money he used to pay a porn star to stay quiet over the affair they had while his post-natal wife cared for their new baby, the Republican Party have been quick to reaffirm that President Trump’s love life is completely normal.
Suella Braverman’s plan to stop migrant boats by surrounding UK with a floating barrier of shit nears completion
Home Secretary and compassion black hole Suella Braverman is reportedly very pleased to see that her aim of surrounding Britain with a protective ring of human shit is going to plan.
I’m not a bully and anyone who says I am will get a smack in the mouth, warns Dominic Raab
Following continuing revelations that the Justice Secretary has repeatedly abused and bullied civil servants in his employ, MP for Esher and Walston has forcefully insisted he is no bully.
Man who spent over a grand to see the northern lights in Iceland last month now feeling a bit silly
A man from Yorkshire who spent more than a fair amount of his hard-earned cash on four nights in Reykjavík is now absolutely kicking himself.
Liz Truss wins Bafta for her comedy documentary ‘My Tory Government’
Former prime minister Liz Truss has secured a Bafta for her hilarious comedy documentary about her time in Downing Street.
NHS waiting lists disappear overnight after the government suddenly remembers the 40 new hospitals they built
The NHS waiting list crisis has today been declared over after officials suddenly remembered the forty new hospitals they had built since the last general election.
Man who successfully completed Veganuary spending today eating his own body weight in meat
A man who gave up eating meat for January is today trying to eat an entire dead pig to himself.
Man who has never been to Scotland looking forward to getting drunk to celebrate poet he’s never read
An Englishman has expressed his excitement at the possibility of having a drink or twelve to celebrate Burns night, whatever that is.
Queue building in Gents loo after man chooses to use the middle of three urinals
A queue has been reported in a Gents’ toilet after a man took it upon himself to seize control of all three urinals by choosing to use the middle one.
Uxbridge and South Ruislip constituents travel to Ukraine in the hope of meeting with their MP
Residents of Uxbridge and South Ruislip are making their way to Ukraine in the hope of being able to actually meet with their MP for once.
We are the authority on sex and marriage, insists church that was only created because Henry VIII wanted a divorce
Sex is only for married heterosexuals, says the organisation that was only founded because Henry VIII was tired of fruitlessly banging his wife and fancied a bit of a change.
Santa warns that some toys won’t be delivered on time due to elves spending all their time dicking about on shelves
Santa Claus has warned that some toys may not be ready in time for delivery due to some ‘staffing issues’ at the North Pole.
Nadhim Zahawi’s horses are being kept nice and warm, government reassures worried taxpayers
News this morning that the stables on Nadhim Zahawi’s estate in Warwickshire are still being well heated during this cold snap has brought relief to concerned members of the public.
Santa warns he can only deliver presents within 180 miles of North Pole after switching to electric sleigh
If you live outside a 180-mile radius of the North Pole then you’ll be out of luck when it comes to presents, it has been revealed today.
