We are the authority on sex and marriage, insists church that was only created because Henry VIII wanted a divorce

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Sex is only for married heterosexuals, says the organisation that was only founded because Henry VIII was tired of fruitlessly banging his wife and fancied a bit of a change.

The Church of England began in 1534, shortly after the then King of England had a bit of a falling out with the Roman Catholic church over the small matter of wanting to marry his hot mistress, and has since then continually offered its own divine interpretation on the rules relating to sex and marriage.

“It’s quite clear,” explained Simon Williams, the Bishop of Little Arseworth.

“Marriage is a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and thus is the only safe place for sex to occur. Unless you are Henry the Eighth, of course. If you’re a King you can do what you like and it will become divinely endorsed. Six ‘lifelong’ marriages? Sure, go for it.”

Responding to a question from a reporter he said, “What’s that? Well, gay marriage is different – it’s sort of, you know, yucky, and I don’t like to think about it very much, thank you.

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“I mean, it’s nice that they’re committed and all that, but God forbid they show each other physical acts of love. Eurgh.”

The Church of England’s bishops met yesterday to finalise their recommendations after five years of consultation and debate on the Church’s position on sexuality.

They have now refused to back a change in teaching to allow priests to marry same-sex couples, saying that sex within these, and in gay relationships ‘falls short of God’s purpose for human beings’, prompting many to ask why, if God never intended any men to engage in homosexual activity, he would make some of them sexually attracted to other men.