Sir Keir Starmer has today tried to wake a press junket en masse from their slumber to tell them how interesting he is.
The Labour leader summoned journalists to party headquarters this morning in an attempt to change the general consensus of opinion that he’s about as interesting as packing foam and only half as useful.
“Thank you all for coming today, it means a great deal to- hello? Can you hear me?” he began, sensing the attention of the press was starting to wander towards the concrete wall and sunshine just outside of the window.
Unperturbed, he went on, “The Conservatives and some members of the Labour Party like to imply that I am boring just because I’m not quite as charismatic as the elderly, quiet gardener who led the Party before I did.
“But it’s simply not true – I’m very interesting! I can eat a whole Korma without needing a drink of water! My Volkswagen averages 56.3mpg on both urban and rural roads, and I have seven identical grey suits, all from the same tailor!”
After a pause he said, “Well, from the same branch of Top Man, at least.”
This revelation was greeted by the sound of gentle snoring from every journalist in the room apart from one, who was only still awake because he badly needed a piss.
“Let me tell you once and for all that I am NOT boring!” he said, raising his voice by approximately half a decibel before lowering it apologetically.
“Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to show any emotion.”
As he left the room, one journalist slumped from his chair onto the carpet, dropping his blank notepad in the process, before continuing to snore.