A man has declared himself fit for the forthcoming Ashes series despite having a very limited grasp of even the most basic cricketing concepts.
Simon Williams has read one preview article in the Sun online, as well as watching a YouTube clip of Shane Warne’s famous first delivery dismissal of Mike Gatting in 1993.
“The Ashes is a one-off, isn’t it – everyone has a responsibility to understand the history and classic moments of this epic rivalry,” announced Williams confidently, to everyone in his office.
“Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust – Bowie captured these bone-dry cricket pitches perfectly with his lyrics, didn’t he?” said Williams continued authoritatively.
“And who can forget Headingley in 1981?” said Williams.
“Botham going to the confectionary stand and buying ice creams for everyone. Freeman Hardy and Willis all steaming in from the Kirkstall Lane end. Brings out the goosebumps just thinking about it, doesn’t it?
“Geoff Boycott’s thousandth hundred in 1977, or was it his hundredth thousand? I can’t remember. Spine-tingling stuff.
“And what about that classic commentary when Michael Jerking was opening the batting and Dino Zoff was running in? Johnny Cash and Aggers commenting that the batsman’s Jerking, the bowler’s Zoff.
“For this series, in the field, it s got to be Root at gully, Stokes doing a Silly Point, and Good King Wenceslas in the Deep Mid-Winter,” predicted Williams.
“Anyone who doesn’t have Test Card Special blasting out of their radio till the end of August definitely needs to be given the umpire’s middle finger!”