Arsehole to write bollocks in shitrag

Boris Johnson is to write for the Daily Mail.

The former politician is to use his special brand of fact-free verbosity to agitate the credulous morons who still buy the newspaper or believe what they read on the website.

Johnson is one of the biggest names in high-profile bullshit, and a bidding war was expected amongst all the god-awful media empires you are currently picturing – but the Daily Mail was victorious in securing his services.

A spokesperson for the Daily Mail told us, “Boris Johnson is the most high-profile liar in the country, and as such, he is perfect for us.

“We pride ourselves on our ability to disseminate mistruths and falsehoods, and we’re confident we are perfectly placed to bring Boris’s special brand of bullshit into every home in the country.

“Boris has been fired twice as a journalist for lying, and how he’s been kicked out of parliament for lying, but here at the Daily Mail, he can make up whatever nonsense he likes, and we’ll happily print it. There will be no sanctions for lying. In fact, he’ll be in trouble if he doesn’t start making stuff up to anger our readers and drive rage clicks to our website.”

Boris Johnson said, “I am delighted to join the Daily Mail family, and this is definitely the place I wanted to find myself working in the summer 2023.

“Rest assured, that is just the first of many lies I will tell in my new column.”