Man ‘pimping up’ meals actually just adding chilli flakes
A man who claims he is using transformational ‘food hacks’ to pimp up all of his meals is actually just modifying a standard recipe in a really small and boring way, it has been revealed.
What your Tesco Meal Deal says about you
As Tesco releases its annual statistics about the most popular meal deal combinations in the UK, we ask: what does your Tesco Meal Deal really say about you?
Man declares himself fully fit for two months of bullshitting about The Ashes
A man has declared himself fit for the forthcoming Ashes series despite having a very limited grasp of even the most basic cricketing concepts. Simon Williams has read one preview article in the Sun online, as well as watching a YouTube clip of Shane Warne’s famous first delivery dismissal of Mike Gatting in 1993. “The
It would be disrespectful to do any of those little DIY jobs around the house on the weekend Jesus was crucified, insists local man
A Basingstoke resident is definitely using the fact that Jesus was crucified on Good Friday to avoid doing even the smallest DIY jobs around the house, it has been confirmed today.
‘Gourmet burger’ bears zero resemblance to picture on menu
A gourmet burger looks f**k all like its picture and its description on the burger restaurant menu, it has been confirmed today.
‘I just hope Pulp stay true to their working-class principles’ says fan living in £2m London townhouse
A concerned Pulp fan is hoping the band remain true to their working class principles and ideals with their new album release.
New WH Smith owner asked at checkout if it wants to buy a discounted Chocolate Orange
The new owner of WH Smith has been asked if its sure it wouldn’t also like to buy a Terry’s Chocolate Orange at the discounted price for £1.50, before it completes its purchase of the ailing retailer.
Man City buy James Webb telescope to try and find last decent performance
Man City have enlisted the help of the NASA Hubble telescope team to try and locate their last decent performance on a football pitch.
Keir Starmer replaces Margaret Thatcher portrait with Athena print of tennis player scratching arse
Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has caused controversy today after replacing a portrait of Margaret Thatcher with the classic student poster of the female tennis player absent-mindedly scratching her backside with no underwear on.
Gareth Southgate’s cream polo top ‘won’t make a rash decision on future’
Gareth Southgate’s £45 cream Marks and Spencer polo top has said it needs time to reflect and to talk to the right people before making any decision on its long-term future.
From Platty Joobs to Genny Lec: The 7 annoying abbreviations you’ll hate yourself for using
Do you feel the need to pointlessly shorten already succinct phrases to get down with Gen Z? Looking for some catchy slang to jazz up your tediously dull social media content? Here’s NewsThump’s definitive guide to frankly ridiculous abbreviations.
‘Gourmet burger’ bears zero resemblance to picture on menu
A gourmet burger looks f**k all like its picture and its description on the burger restaurant menu, it has been confirmed today.
Man described by friends as a ‘legend’ simply for doing pretty basic stuff
A person routinely described by his mates as a “legend” has, in reality, only completed some very straightforward tasks for the benefit of the group, and has reached unremarkable levels of competence in popular tasks, it has been confirmed.
Hubble space telescope observes distant start of Rugby World Cup
There were scenes of celebration and awe today after the powerful Hubble Space Telescope was used by astronomers to go back to the distant past and observe the start of the Rugby World Cup.
Understanding how rugby union scrum works ‘literally impossible’ by Saturday evening, non-rugby fans warned
Your average punter hasn’t got a cat in hell’s chance of working out the purpose of a rugby union scrum before England’s World Cup opener with Argentina, and needs a longer extension period to understand it, has been confirmed today.
Man declares himself fit for two months of bullshitting about The Ashes
A man has declared himself fit for the forthcoming Ashes series despite having a very limited grasp of even the most basic cricketing concepts.
Comedian in hi-vis vest promises more madcap humour
A slapstick comedian famous for making a fool of himself in a hi-vis vest has promised even more buffoonery and chaotic comedy moments over the months and years to come.
It would be disrespectful to do any of those little DIY jobs around the house on the day Jesus was crucified, insists local man
A man is definitely using the fact that Jesus died on Good Friday to avoid doing even the smallest DIY jobs around the house, it has been confirmed today.
Pie of the day is steak and ale again, confirms pub
The pie of the day on the food menu in the pub you are visiting is, once again, steak and ale, it has been confirmed.
‘Gourmet burger’ looks absolutely nothing like picture on menu
A gourmet burger looks f**k all like its picture and description on the burger restaurant menu, it has been confirmed.
Families living on breadline ecstatic that UK will avoid a technical recession
Households living on the breadline across the UK have reacted with delight to the announcement by Jeremy Hunt in the Budget that the UK will not fall into a technical recession in 2023.
Man enjoying the thrill of Russian Roulette after trying to put seven pieces of paper into a shredder only rated for six
A man was left rueing his luck once again after losing yet another duel with his cross- cut paper shredder today.
Man described by friends as a ‘legend’ for doing pretty basic stuff
A person routinely described by his mates as a “legend” has, in reality, only completed some very straightforward tasks for the benefit of the group, and has reached unremarkable levels of competence in popular tasks, it has been confirmed.
Achilles’ weaknesses actually trashy TV and Lloyd-Webber musicals
Legendary Greek warrior Achilles was a sucker for a good rom-com movie, and regularly enjoyed binge-watching Married at First Sight whilst eating a massive tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream, it has been revealed today.
Man ‘pimping up’ meals actually just adding chilli flakes
A man who claims he is using transformational ‘food hacks’ to pimp up all of his meals is actually just modifying a standard recipe in a really small and boring way, it has been revealed.
Describing good food as ‘om, nom, nom’ to become a criminal offence
The use of the phrase ‘om, nom, nom’ on social media to describe a nice meal will finally become a criminal offence, it has been confirmed.
The five best service stations at which to take a dump
It’s a perennial problem. You’re on a long motorway journey and suddenly the need for a massive dump takes hold. Away from the comfort of your own home, you’re understandably nervous about using a busy service station to do your business.
Prince William seeks unification bout with Tyson Fury after ‘easy’ Harry knockout
Prince William’s next fight is likely to be a heavyweight boxing unification bout against Tyson Fury, sources have revealed.
“See you on the other side” – 7 workplace Christmas greetings that mark you out as a complete bellend
For the last couple of weeks, you’ve been trying to close off the small talk with work colleagues and emails with an effective but well-meant wish for them for the Christmas period. Make sure you avoid these total clangers, which immediately identify you as a total tool.
‘No, where are you REALLY from’, Royal Family repeatedly asked
The entire House of Windsor has been said to be left feeling humiliated today, after being repeatedly questioned about their ethnic background.
