Achilles’ weaknesses actually trashy TV and Lloyd-Webber musicals

author avatar by 9 months ago

Legendary Greek warrior Achilles was a sucker for a good rom-com movie, and regularly enjoyed binge-watching Married at First Sight whilst eating a massive tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream, it has been revealed today.

“The old myth that Achilles’ weakness was his heel, after his mum dipped him in the river Styx to try and make him immortal and she missed a bit, is fake news,” indicated Simoni Williamikis, Professor of Greek Stuff at the University of Athens.

“Newly released files from the Greek National Archives indicate his heel was actually really strong, but that he could be easily distracted by hearing any song from Starlight Express or Jesus Christ Superstar,” said Williamikis. 

“He’d stop whatever he was doing and start singing along, with, to be honest, a pretty decent baritone voice.”

Files also show that Achilles would regularly enjoy lounging in his pyjamas all weekend, catching up on true crime podcasts, and playing Animal Crossing on his Nintendo Switch.  

“These revelations suggest that the Trojans should have stopped trying to kill the warrior by the unlikely method of planting an arrow in his heel during battle,” noted Williamikis.  

“Instead, they should have just sent a DVD of Sleepless in Seattle and a big tub of salted popcorn around to his palace. He’d be glued to the TV for hours.

“The scene with Tom Hanks, his son and Meg Ryan up the Empire state building has Achilles in pieces every time.”