It would be disrespectful to do any of those little DIY jobs around the house on the day Jesus was crucified, insists local man

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A Basingstoke resident is definitely using the fact that Jesus was crucified on Good Friday to avoid doing even the smallest DIY jobs around the house, it has been confirmed today. 

As the nation prepares to celebrate the Easter holiday, Simon Williams has confirmed to his family that using the bank holiday to make even a small dent in the raft of tiny DIY jobs on his list would be hugely disrespectful to the son of our Lord and saviour.

“Jesus led an entirely selfless life, so it’s only right that I do not besmirch his memory with chores and labour, today of ALL days,” opined Williams to his wife and two children from the comfort of the family sofa.

“It should be a day where we mark the longevity, yet fragility, of life itself, and pay our respects to a man none of us actually knew and who was gone long before we ever existed. So no, I’m afraid I can’t hang that picture in the hall or look at why the bathroom door is squeaking, even though a bank holiday is the perfect time to do it.

“We were given this bank holiday to sit at home and quietly reflect. On the sofa, with snacks. And to maybe watch a film or two,” continued Williams.

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“Jesus died for our sins, and it is right we honour him. Now pass me that second tube of Pringles will you? I can feel another wave of reverence coming on.”

“Religious conversion can manifest itself in many different guises, I suppose,” said Simon’s daughter, Evie, 16.

“In dad’s case, it seems to mostly involve lounging around in his pyjamas, scratching his bollocks and watching re-runs of The Royle Family on iPlayer.”