Man City buy James Webb telescope to try and find last decent performance

Man City have enlisted the help of the James Webb telescope team to look deep into the past and to try and locate their last decent performance on a football pitch. 

Having been mainly used to identify stars and constellations born billions of years ago, City hope that the huge telescope may just be able to see far enough into the distant past to them to see a convincing win. 

“This really would be a remarkable achievement,” said Hubble astronomer and beleaguered City fan, Simon Williams.

“By the time light reaches the James Webb telescope, we are looking at something that actually happened billions of years ago.

“It’s just possible, then, that it might be able to go back far enough in time to locate an easy City 5-0 win over Luton where Haaland bags a first half hat-trick.

‘Or a heady Champions league evening where Foden and Grealish both turn in top-drawer performances in the same game, although some scientists still question whether that event has ever actually happened.”

The James Webb telescope has previously allowed astronomers to capture other very distant events, including a funny joke from an episode of Mrs Browns Boys, however, finding a good Man City performance would take scientists closer to the beginning of time than ever before.

“I did identify some unusual activity yesterday – a huge mass of energy emitting a lot of noise,” noted Williams.

“Unfortunately, this turned out to be a load of Man Utd fans celebrating the derby win in a local pub.”