Your anti-virus software keeps reminding you of all the things it has done, in the vain hope that you might show it some bloody appreciation and recognition for all its efforts, you selfish bastard.
Popular puppets Zippy and George along with their slightly scary life-sized bear-friend and Bungle were rounded up by mounted police in Doha today, after repeatedly singing a song said to ‘overtly celebrate and encourage a love of rainbows’.
After Qatar announced a last-minute ban on the sale of beer from stadiums at the world cup, Budweiser admitted that this was actually quite a big part of their decision to sponsor the event in the first place.
Advent calendars have issued an ominous warning to world cup wallcharts around the country that they have just a fortnight to enjoy taking centre stage in living rooms and kitchens.
Boy George is to produce a new album with updated versions of some of his best-known songs, to reflect his growing dislike for Matt Hancock on I’m a Celebrity.
Gangs of Bounty sweets across the country have reacted with trademark defiance to the announcement that they are to be removed from packets of Celebrations.
Rishi Sunak has said he was totally unaware that Boris Johnson was planning to go to COP27, and this absolutely had no influence on his own recent U-turn on attending.
Users of the newly released Boris 2.0 operating system have faced a string of error messages this morning, with many indicating that the troubled hardware appears to have thankfully already had its day.
A man who was forced to resign in total disgrace from his position as CEO of a major corporation just three months ago has written a magnanimous letter to the company outlining why he has decided not to apply for the position again.
Scriptwriters have said they will bring back every single character killed off in soaps and TV dramas if Boris Johnson puts his hat in the ring to lead the Tories again.
It has been announced that from today, Prime Minister’s Questions will be known as ‘WTAF?’ in an attempt to more accurately reflect the realities of Liz Truss’s premiership.
Jacob Rees-Mogg has argued that a range of factors other than gravity may have caused a large apple to fall onto his head whilst he was sat under a tree having 40 winks in his orchard today.
Football commentators have taken the step of downgrading one of their go-to cliches, in a move that will send shock waves through lexicon markets around the world.
The commitment to buy loads and loads of Bonds to shore up the beleaguered pound in the currency markets does not extend to George Lazenby, the Bank of England confirmed today.
A man is definitely using the Queen’s funeral to avoid doing even the smallest DIY jobs around the house, it has been confirmed today.
The BBC is facing financial ruin after Nicholas Witchell submitted his weekly claim for overtime hours worked, it has been revealed.
A man is definitely using the death of the Queen to avoid doing even the most basic chores around the house, it has been confirmed today.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson will spend the whole of the 31st January wanking furiously and incessantly into a commemorative Got Brexit Done tea towel, press aides have confirmed today.
The index finger of the Labour activist shouting at Matt Hancock’s support team at a Leeds hospital will be the next opponent for World heavyweight champion Anthony Joshua, it has been confirmed today.
Your average punter hasn’t got a cat in hell’s chance of working out the purpose of a rugby union scrum before England’s crunch world cup semi-final with New Zealand, and needs a longer extension period to understand it, has been confirmed today.
British prime minister Boris Johnson is set to join AC/DC after the band were said to be well impressed by his blatant attempts to serve up the same thing to an audience while pretending it is entirely new.
A man has dipped under the two-hour mark for scanning his weekly groceries at a self-service checkout at a Tesco supermarket, it has been confirmed this morning.
Register for free and keep up with the latest bouts of catastrophic
bellendry from all around the world.