Jacob Rees-Mogg says apple falling on his head was ‘caused by factors other than gravity’

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Jacob Rees-Mogg has argued that a range of factors other than gravity may have caused a large apple to fall onto his head whilst he was sitting under a tree having 40 winks in his orchard today.  

“When looking for the reasons why the market… sorry, I mean that Bramley apple… has plummeted downwards, it would be wrong to point the finger automatically at the mini-budget… damn it, I mean the force that attracts a body naturally towards the centre of the Earth,” said an indignant Rees-Mogg. 

“A whole multitude of factors could have caused its rapid descent.

“Branch fatigue, unusually inclement weather and levels of precipitation, totally incompetent leadership in the apple community. Er, no, sorry, ignore that last one.”

“It is entirely premature to jump to conclusions on these things,” added Rees-Mogg.

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“I am a Tory and a total bellend, but it would be entirely wrong to infer causality despite a seemingly obvious relationship between the two.”