Your average punter hasn’t got a cat in hell’s chance of working out the purpose of a rugby union scrum before England’s crunch world cup semi-final with New Zealand, and needs a longer extension period to understand it, has been confirmed today.
The news comes as Google searches for ‘binding’ and ‘what the f*@k is wheeling?’ reached an all-time high this week, with everyone facing a desperate race against time to garner a basic understanding of basic scrum strategy before heading down the pub at 8:30am on Saturday morning for the big game.
“The timetable set out by World Rugby is totally unrealistic,” complained Simon Williams today.
“I had zero interest in rugby until we got through to the semi-final, and now I’m expected to be able to suddenly talk like Lawrence Dallaglio or Matt Dawson about how impressive it is when we win a scrum ‘against the feed’. I need more time.”
“I haven’t felt this inadequate since I looked at the instruction manual for putting up an Ikea Hemnes wardrobe unit,” continued Williams.
“Why does everyone cheer and applaud when the scrum collapses on the floor like they’ve just won the second world war? It makes no sense at all. What in God’s name is the tunnel for?
“And why does one person appear to be legitimately allowed to grab the testicles of a teammate in order to maintain balance?”
In response, the RFU has noted that after we get comprehensively beat by the All Blacks on Saturday, there will be a long three month transition period when every non-fan can totally forget about blindside flankers before the Six Nations.