Bank of England insists buying of unlimited Bonds ‘will not include George Lazenby’

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The commitment to buy loads and loads of Bonds to shore up the beleaguered pound in the currency markets does not extend to George Lazenby, the Bank of England confirmed today.

Seeking to reassure the money markets and the wider public, the Bank said they believe that James Bonds could play a role in the current crisis, but there had to be some basic ground rules. 

“Lazenby only appeared in Her Majesty’s Secret Service, and everyone agrees this was a pretty poor performance from a Bond,” said Simon Williams, Head of Strategy at the Bank of England.

“It’s hard to see how purchasing a Bond that only appeared in a single film could help us stave off the risks to financial stability in any way – maybe he could drive a bobsleigh straight at Kwasi Kwarteng?

“Instead, we are going to focus on Bonds with at least three 007 appearances,” continued Williams.

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“Oh, but not Timothy Dalton either. He just hasn’t got a track record of implementing orthodox monetary policy.

“Certainly, all the other Bonds could do a job for us in calming the money markets though.

“Sean Connery could deploy some magic pen made by Q that automatically buys up long-term gilts. Or Daniel Craig could put some reserves of sterling in a pair of tight trunks and demonstrate the considerable strength of the pound as he emerges, dripping wet, from the sea.

“As for Roger Moore, we’re planning some kind of quip with a slightly raised eyebrow about trickle-down effects and his need for strong financial stimuli.”