by 
A man is definitely using the Queen’s funeral to avoid doing even the smallest DIY jobs around the house, it has been confirmed today.
As the nation prepares to bury Her Majesty, Simon Williams has confirmed to his family that using the unexpected bank holiday to make even a small dent in the raft of tiny DIY jobs on his list would be hugely disrespectful to a much-loved monarch.
“She never lost that sense of duty, of service to others before self,” opined Williams to his wife and two children from the comfort of the family sofa.
“It’s a day where we mark the longevity, yet fragility, of life itself, and pay our final respects to a woman none of us actually knew. So no, I’m afraid I can’t hang that picture in the hall or look at why the bathroom door is squeaking even though an unexpected bank holiday is the perfect time to do it.
“We were given this bank holiday to sit at home and quietly reflect. On the sofa, with snacks. And to maybe watch a film during the slower bits,” continued Williams.
“We will literally never see the like of her again. Now pass me that second tube of Pringles will you, I can feel another wave of sadness coming on.”
“Grief manifests itself in many different guises,” said Simon’s daughter, Evie, 16.
“In dad’s case, it seems to mostly involve lounging around in his pyjamas, scratching his bollocks and watching re-runs of The Royle Family on iPlayer.”
