Football commentators downgrade gilt-edged opportunities

author avatar by 4 months ago

Football commentators have taken the step of downgrading one of their go-to cliches, in a move that will send shock waves through lexicon markets around the world.  

“For years, gilt-edged opportunities have been handed to profligate strikers on a plate, even though they inevitably squander them in front of goal,” said Simon Williams, head of stock phrases at Onion Bag Commentaries.

“But with sterling taking a nose-dive – surely a stone-wall penalty decision – we’ve had no choice but to recalibrate gilt-edged opportunities to the same level of probability as speculative lobs, long-range efforts and shots to nothing.

“Gilt-edged really doesn’t convey the value it once did, unfortunately.”

Williams went on to explain how the downgrade was affecting his livelihood.

“This turbulence on the money markets is really affecting our ability to do our job. Our expert summarisers can no longer put our mortgages on strikers converting chances as interest rates are just too high. And when was the last time you saw a football manager getting their fat chequebook out?

“There have been some positive effects for us though,” added Williams.

“We always struggled to find a phrase to describe when a substitute comes on really late in a football match and immediately ballses up everything.

“That’s now a Kwarteng.”

KamiKwasi – get the mug here!