Man beats two-hour record at supermarket self-service checkout

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A man has dipped under the two-hour mark for scanning his weekly groceries at a self-service checkout at a Tesco supermarket, it has been confirmed this morning.

Simon Williams, 45, achieved the feat – thought by most commentators to be beyond the limits of human capability – at his Local Tesco in Croydon on Saturday.

“Conditions were perfect,” said an exhausted Williams, after picking up his shopping from the bagging area and removing his receipt.

“I positioned my bags in the optimum place, all my fruit had barcodes on them and didn’t need weighing, and I had a couple of impatient pensioners next in the queue tutting loudly and looking at their watch to spur me on.”

Those lucky enough to witness the feat said they were left breathless as the clock ran down.

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“Williams has demonstrated the innate human desire to scan Faster and stronger, whilst taking care to ensure that you correctly indicate to the machine how many bags you have used in this transaction,” said Pete Jones, the Tesco store manager.

“He should be in inspiration to incompetent shoppers everywhere. He is the first, but he won’t be the last. We hope.”

Unfortunately, Williams’ new mark won’t count as an official record as he had the help of checkout assistant Doris to immediately override the twenty or so ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ calls during the attempt.

Williams’ next record attempt will see him trying to break the fabled ‘twelve hours’ to get through to an actual person at Hermes to arrange redelivery of a parcel.