Man who has never been to Scotland looking forward to getting drunk to celebrate poet he’s never read

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An Englishman has expressed his excitement at the possibility of having a drink or twelve to celebrate Burns night, whatever that is.

Essex lad and self-styled ‘party animal’ Simon Williams discovered it was Burns Night after seeing it trending on Twitter, and wasted no time in announcing his intention on social media to use the occasion to get ‘shitfaced’.

In a hastily typed Facebook post he told his 253 Facebook friends “Right lads, it’s Burns Night tonight – who’s up for it?

“It’s something to do with Scotland – dunno if it’s their version of Bonfire Night or what but The Dog and Duck is doing ‘buy three for two’ on whisky and buy one get one free on BrewDogs so let’s get down there!”

He added, “And let’s wear kilts lol! Nah, just joking, I’m no cross-dressing mug. See you down there!”

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The Dog and Duck landlord Christopher James told us, “Burns night is good for business, sure, but Simon will probably take it a step too far.

“I’m fairly sure he has never heard of Robert Burns, so I will try and educate him as best I can but I’m not making any promises.

“I just hope he doesn’t find out about St Patrick’s Day – then things could get really messy.”