People who make tea in the microwave should be put to death, insists Britain

Outraged tea drinkers across Great Britain have today united in anger at the suggestion that microwaved tea is tastier and healthier than brewed tea, calling for capital punishment for irresponsible microwave users.

A report published by a group of scientists from the University of Newcastle in New South Wales, Australia, controversially claimed that microwaving tea extracts bioactive compounds from the leaves, which carry strong antioxidant capacities, resulting in a healthier and tastier cuppa.

“Complete and utter bollocks!” responded fifty-year-old tea addict Simon Williams from Yorkshire, upon hearing the news.

“I couldn’t care less about bioactive compounds, I just want a good strong brew to carry me through the daily misery and unrelenting drizzle of British life.”

He went on, “I had a cup of tea go cold once, so I tried microwaving it, and the bloody thing was honestly the worse thing I’ve ever tasted.

“And I’ve eaten Hershey’s chocolate.”

Eleanor Gay, a lawyer specialising in beverage-related criminal law told reporters, “As is often the case in criminology, there are no guidelines regarding how to punish new and depraved crimes, so we have to respond as and when they arise.

“Now that this terrible crime against all things tea-related has reared its ugly head, we are forced into considering an appropriate punishment.”

Taking a sip from her cup she concluded, “Instant execution, that’s what I reckon.

“Dunked naked in a vat of boiling oil like a digestive in a cup of tea, preferably, but we can sort out the finer details later.”

Advertisement

NewsThumpNotebooks

Somewhere to write down everything that’s wrong with the world. You may need several.

See the full collection →