Thursday 28 April 2022 by Gary Stanton

Tim Westwood to stop talking like a black teenager in case it harms his defence


Tim Westwood to stop talking like a black teenager

Former bad ass DJ Tim Westwood has stunned his legal team by discussing his impending case with a cut-glass accent and received pronunciation this morning.

Tim has been accused of sexual misconduct by a number of women who have since switched to Radio 2, and is taking steps to prepare his defence.

Tim, a 64 year-old white man from Lowestoft, has built his career on sounding like a black teenager from south London, but insists he doesn’t want to be treated like one by the authorities.

Tim, who now insists on being called  “Timothy”, would like to be treated by police like the semi-retired white vicar’s son from the seaside that he is.

Although he initially greeted attending police officers with a robust “Wagwaan,” Westwood is said to have later moderated his accent as the seriousness of the allegations became clear and ended the tape-recorded interview using received pronunciation. 

The champion of hip hop was also quick to point out who his father was and maintains he has always ticked the “White British” box when completing census forms, which he does on-time, and to the letter. 

Westwood’s case is said to have confused officials who having listened to his show turned up expecting to arrest a black man and were appropriately kitted out with the regulation tasers, tear gas and several rounds of ammo.

Questioning Officer, DC Simon Williams, said, “We take allegations of sexual assault very seriously – unless it’s one of our own, obviously – but I must say as a regular listener to Tim, sorry Timothy’s program, this all seems totally out of character.

“I came here today fully expecting to say stuff like ‘you’ll get twenty years for this you black bastard’, but Timothy comes across as a nice boy from a decent home, so let’s not jump to any premature conclusions shall we?

“I’m sure we’ll have this little misunderstanding cleared up in no time.”

Responding to the accusations, Westwood added,  “Mandem earn some serious Ps an ting from dis bullshit innit.

“Ah, I’m so terribly terribly sorry old chap – that’s just for the listeners.”

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