Switching the heating on now is like handing victory to the Russians, insist male UK tight-arses

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People across Britain experiencing the first autumn chills have discovered a new obstacle to putting the heating on this morning.

As gas bills spiral due to increased demand and the Russians stamping their feet on the pipeline, men with who combine an interest in global geopolitics with saving cash have stumbled upon a new line of attack.

And those eager to bang the heating on for half an hour just “to take the chill off the place” should really be asking themselves – is this what Litvinenko would have wanted?

Simone Williams, a freezing mum-of-three from St Albans, said, “My husband Simon insists that putting the heating on before November is the equivalent of going down to Salisbury and smearing their door knobs with Novichok.

“Surely thirty minutes to take the chill out of the air can’t hurt? It’s like I poisoned those people myself.”

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Meanwhile, Mr Williams has reminded his family of just what’s at stake here by placing a picture of deceased Polonium-90 victim, Alexander Litvinenko, directly above the thermostat.

Williams said, “I can’t in all good conscience allow the heating to go on while dissidents like Alexei Navalny rot away in rat-infested prison cells, largely forgotten by the West.”

Mrs Williams added, “When I see the picture of that poor man lying in that hospital bed, I’m forced to confront the bitter reality of Vladimir Putin’s merciless coercive agenda, and so I put another jumper on.

“To be honest, I’m doing it for Pussy Riot more than anyone else.”