Friday 17 July 2020 by Gary Stanton

Pizza Express to shut down more than seventy-five sex offender alibis


Pizza Express closures

UK nonces are reeling from the news that one of their favourite hangouts is to close more than seventy of its venues.

The restaurant chain is embarking on an insolvency process, allowing it to exit stores, cut rents and refuse further bookings from men with a van load of cute puppies.

Pizza Express has been a favourite on the British High Street since 1965, charging its principle demographic of lower-middle-class sex offenders an aspirational £4.95 for a mixed leaf salad.

Despite the recent easing of the lockdown, the business has been hit by enforced closures, stronger competition and people desperately hoping not to have their lunch ruined by being sat next to the less-desirable members of the Royal Family.

Former customer Tracy Fowler told us, “I quite like Pizza Express, and I’ll be sad to see them go – but honestly, who wants to risk having Prince Andrew in your eye-line when you’re trying to enjoy a Sloppy Giuseppe?”

The news will leave suspected British child molesters with a severe shortage of explanations as to their whereabouts on that awkward ‘night in question’, though experts predict that Pizza Hut and Pret A Manger are expected to pick up some of the slack.

Pizza Express spokesman, Simon Williams, told us, “We’re hoping to win back customers with the launch of our new Deep Pan ‘Spicy Epstein’.

He added, “It’s guaranteed to leave a very unpleasant taste in your mouth.

“As soon as it’s ready, we just leave it hanging around waiting for it to go cold.”

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