The wearing of the niqab, or full face-veil, will be mandatory for all UK citizens under urgent new World Health Organisation Coronavirus guidelines adopted by the UK government.
As the UK prepared for a spate of people dying on the spot due to the killer disease, Boris Johnson urged Britons to forget all that stuff he said about “bank robbers” and “letterboxes” and get hold of full Muslim clobber as soon as possible.
The virus has already poleaxed thousands in the Chinese suburb of Wuhan, where Muslims were the sole survivors, and is thought to be a mutated strain of man-flu.
And fears are mounting that the lethal bug has already jumped the species gap between foreigner and Englishman after a chartered accountant developed a nasty-sounding cough in Felixstowe.
Plans are already afoot to distribute Muslim veils from NHS walk-in clinics, but those who live in high-density areas of Islam are being urged to “get pally” with their Muslim brethren and put aside those kneejerk impulses to post shit through their letterboxes in an effort to stay alive.
Right-wing extremists and those who voted for Brexit may, in rare circumstances, be offered the alternative of non-Muslim biohazard masks as worn by nineties’ rave combo Altern 8, but only if they can successfully pull off the accompanying dance moves.
Government Health spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “The niqab is an extremely effective deterrent against the Coronavirus, gobbets of racist phlegm and social interaction, which we would urge you to curtail under normal circumstances – at least with that lot.
“However, things have suddenly changed and now is as good a time as any to knock on the door of your Muslim neighbours, take back all that stuff you said about the street stinking of curry and embrace the multicultural zeitgeist.”
Williams added, “We’d also urge the public to get down on your knees and pray five times a day that you don’t catch this fucking thing.”