Brain-eating microbe in US water supply explains a f*cking hell of a lot, insist scientists

author avatar by 4 years ago

A brain-munching microbe found feasting on the intelligence of ordinary US citizens has sparked fears that that particular horse has already fucking bolted, according to reports.

The bug, identified recently as Fowleri Redneckius, can devour up to twenty US brains per day and is thought to be responsible for the election of Donald Trump.

Slack-jawed officials near Lake Jackson, where the amoeba was discovered, said they were taking steps to disinfect the local water supply, but couldn’t remember why they were doing it.

The germ is known to be responsible for the rise of certain organisations such as the homoerotic, right-wing militia “Proud Boys” as well as the like-minded members of “Patriot Prayer” – a group which has yet to be answered.

To prevent further infection, Texas residents have been advised to boil all their water, but to wait for it to cool down before drinking it.

NewsThump Best sellers

This follows a spate of deaths from internal blistering after the “cooling-off period” was deemed far too long by citizens in a hurry to drive to their local Walmart without an appropriate face-covering.

Symptoms range from believing any old shit you read on the Internet, holding up placards, on which “Four More Years” has been untidily crayoned, and being Mike Pence.

Texas resident, Chuck Williams, said, “Why sure this whole thing is a hoax perpetrated against the American people by those folks in Washington.

“If God didn’t mean for us to drink the water he gave us, then He wouldna given us a doggone respiratory system.”