Queen so impoverished her diamonds now only get polished twice a week, claim palace insiders

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The collapse of income from her £400 million property portfolio has left the monarch so cash-strapped she is reduced to eating cold swan for lunch and using her racehorses to pull her carriage, according to royal correspondents this morning.

Beatrice Despenser-Westerly, royal correspondent for the Telegraph, explained that she was fearful for the financial well being of a woman who gets £80 million a year to wave at awestruck simpletons.

She went on, “Her Majesty has always been a trooper and you won’t hear her complain, but those of us who know her because our family tree is also a bamboo can see just how dire things are.

“Her valets tell us how they have had to buy lesser grades of beef fillet for her 45 dogs, and she is only using the two Rolls-Royce’s with the modern, more efficient engines.

“I myself was in Sandringham last week to talk about some lovely afternoons killing animals for fun and I could see the dust that had built up on the dozens of Old Master paintings she owns and with which she could fund a small town council for a decade if she sold one of them. I do hope the government will help out.”

Ms Despenser-Westerly’s belief that the government should help had great support among ordinary fans of the monarchy.

In Hastings a, retired joiner with eyes oddly close together, Simon Williams, said it was a crying shame the Queen might have to stop giving palaces to her grandchildren this year.

“My children are going to lose their jobs and public services around here have collapsed, but I’m adamant that a woman who wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire is not forced to make any concession whatsoever in her obscenely expensive lifestyle.

“I knows my place.”