Monday 17 February 2020 by Gary Stanton

EU can shove its generous flood defence fund insist Brexiters up to their necks in water


Flooding in the UK

Partially submerged Brexit voters have told the EU to stick their flood defence funds ‘where the sun don’t shine’ – or ‘England’ as it is more commonly known.

As the clear-up operation began in the wake of low-pressure area “Dennis”, flooded communities in primarily Leave-voting areas battled raw sewage to send a firm message to Brussels that the UK taxpayer would be more than happy to foot the bill.

Arsehole Britons insist they would sooner evolve gills than take dirty money from Jacques, Pedro or Gunther; cash that could be allocated to repair river banks, build sturdy walls and encourage otters to visit South Wales.

Many small villages are still cursing the EU about the damage inflicted by the last bout of inclement weather, “Ciara”, proving that the Climate Emergency is a bigger issue than the postman having a Bulgarian passport.

Meanwhile, the government has assured victims that help would arrive faster than you can drag the plasma screen upstairs and submit an inflated insurance claim.

Brexit voter and sodden fucker, Simon Williams, who runs a pub selling patriotic, room-temperature cask ales, said, “It’s barely three years since we told the EU to fuck off with their generous flood defence payments, and now, with the recent heavy rainfall, we’re having to tell them to fuck off all over again.

“We were informed by so-called experts that telling EU bureaucrats to fuck off with their condescending handouts would be a once-in-a-hundred-year event.

“But thanks to the manufactured left-wing conspiracy that is Climate Change, we’re having to tell them to fuck off every few years.

“This isn’t the Brexit I voted for.”

Williams added, “Pass me that mop will you? And don’t just stand there – make yourself useful.”

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