Met Office hoping that £1.2 billion investment in new supercomputer delivers more than ’42’

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The Met Office will be hoping for something considerably more tangible than “42” after newly appointed business secretary, Alok Sharma, announced a spend of £1.2 billion pounds on a new weather supercomputer.

Already dubbed Deep Depression by cynics, the state of the art computer will replace the current one which, believe it or not, is already among the 50 most powerful in the world.

Mr Sharma told reporters, “The supercomputer will operate on many new and exciting algorithms. We’re particularly excited with its unique “Old Harry’s Seaweed and Tea leaves” software, which will see us able to predict long-range summer and winter forecasts with up to 80-90% less accuracy than even our current methods.

“So when we issue doom-laden warnings of parched earth with severe droughts or months of subzero temperatures with ten feet snowdrifts, you can be confident that we will have the exact opposite. That’s quite possibly guaranteed.

“Additional technology will also help protect against the worst effects of climate change and reduce the production of noxious gasses by specifically remodelling the prime minister’s diet.

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“Out will go cabbage soup, curries and baked beans to replaced by simple salads, thus enhancing our preparedness for his all too frequent episodes of extreme bullshit, waffling and hot air.

“What’s more, we’ve been able to take away some key learnings from our experiences with HS2. Therefore I can confidently forecast that by the time the project is delivered its estimated cost will more than likely have ballooned to £6.5 billion… at the very least,” concluded Mr Sharma.