S Club 7 parties on hold as government bans gathering of more than six

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Long-suffering Britons are facing a bleak winter with little prospect of an S Club 7 party to lift the spirits.

The devastating news was delivered yesterday as rising infection rates threatened a second UK illness wave, forcing the band to shelve plans for a series of very good parties, the quality of which we may never get to judge for ourselves.

Raucous celebrations expert, Simon Williams, said, “It is common knowledge that there ain’t no party like an S Club party.

“However, we believe the band was preparing to unleash a number of parties, the likes of which have rarely been witnessed outside of Northern Europe.

“Make no mistake about it, these would have been exceptional parties.”

He went on, “It is highly likely that these S-Club parties would have raised the bar as to what we can expect from
a party, all things considered.”

Meanwhile, band members Rachel Stevens and the one who smoked a bit of dope and got into trouble, according to a quick glance at Wikipedia, have asked for a special exemption to be made in the case of S Club 7.

However, Boris Johnson was quick to rule out any such concession, insisting the public must abide by the same rules as government ministers or myopic special advisors.

Probable Tory, or at least Lib Dem voter, Rachel Stevens, added, “It’s such a pity. If there’s one thing that S Club is all about, it is top-notch celebrations featuring more than six people, in which jollity and high-end exuberance go hand-in-hand.

“That said, this is a very built-up area, so when the neighbours complain, we usually have to turn it down a notch.”