Wednesday 9 September 2020 by Lucas Wilde

“Virus spike due to those uppity youngsters who wouldn’t vote for us anyway” confirms government


A demographic which typically doesn’t vote Conservative is to blame for the rise in Covid-19 cases, the government has confirmed.

The government, which has encouraged everybody of every age to go back to work, to go out to eat and to go shopping, has opted not to reflect on its own decisions but instead to use its usual tactic of blaming a particular group of people who have done nothing wrong or illegal whatsoever.

“They told us to go for a Nandos, and they even made it cheaper to go for a Nandos with a few mates, so we went for a Nandos,” said Simon Williams, a justifiably confused 19-year-old.

“And now they’re saying I was wrong and that I’m going to kill my nan.

“I can cope with either message – either with joy or just laughing bitterly – but it would be nice if they picked a lane and stayed in it.  Preferably the one where I’m not facing a lifetime of guilt for following the rules they set for us.

However, a government spokesperson told reporters, “Let me be absolutely clear – because I’ve not tried it before and it sounds like it might be fun.

“We are absolutely not scapegoating young people for the rise in COVID cases because we can’t accept responsibility for this debacle ourselves.

“We are scapegoating young people because they don’t vote Conservative.

“And also that first reason.”

“Now go on, fuck off home and stay there.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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