Tuesday 14 July 2020 by Gary Stanton

Government to fit all empty stables with barn doors after horses cause havoc


Stable doors still open

A build-up of horses on the M25 this morning has prompted the government to take swift action regarding the retrospective fitting of barn doors to stables.

The government has been sending mixed messages as regards the fitting of stable doors in recent days, with PM, Boris Johnson, claiming doors on stables were ‘a good idea to prevent horses from doing what comes naturally, namely bolting’.

However, the Tory leader was later contradicted by part-time naturist, Michael Gove, who claimed barn doors were unnecessary and any attempt to stockpile hinges would infringe horses’ equine rights.

More than sixty thousand horses have roamed the streets of Britain in recent months due to the government’s inept stable door policy, where they have harassed restaurateurs, people carrying sugar and men of small stature in brightly coloured garments.

Yet barn doors have proved unpopular with sections of the Tory right, many of whom insist they obscure traditionally unobstructed views of the farmer’s daughter getting it over a haystack from a rough-handed farmworker who resents your intrusion.

Moderate Tories believe some form of closed portal structure should be mandatory and point out that the post-coital cigarette – often shared by the lovers as they discuss whether to elope or to just have sex again – can present fire safety issues.

Horse, Simon Whinniams, harrumphed:

“I’m not against stable doors in principle. They keep the draught out and effectively demarcate the courtyard and living quarters; a distinction that can be problematic if you’re a fucking horse.

“I just want things to return to normal. In my case that means being forced to jump over fences while some decorative, underweight midget lays into my piebald arse with a whip.”

He added, “There’s no way I can wear a mask in the shops, though. Nothing to do with personal freedom – it’s because of the long face.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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