Tuesday 14 July 2020 by Chris Ballard

Errand boys should wear face masks in shops, confirms Boris Johnson


Boris Johnson on wearing a mask

The Prime Minister has made clear that your errand boy should probably wear a mask when conducting his shopping duties.

Boris says one thing about face masks, Gove says another.

It’s almost as if the right-hand doesn’t know what the left is doing, despite the fact that they both seem to be tied behind the government’s back as it fights coronavirus.

However, the Prime Minister has finally clarified the government’s position on whether shop customers should wear face masks.

“People who are unfortunate enough to actually have to spend time inside shops – errand boys, people who didn’t go to university and suchlike – should definitely wear a mask,” said Boris, who’s an expert in avoiding Covid-19 having only nearly died of it once.

“This precaution, combined with regularly disinfecting your tradesman’s entrance,” (at this point several male senior Tories sniggered and shouted ‘Wahey!’) “should ensure that you don’t get contaminated by the filthy working classes.

“Also, the more people mumbling incoherently behind a mask, the more normal and articulate I will appear. So yes, mask up chaps!”

The PM was seen strutting about in a ‘Conservative blue’ face mask for his big photo-op, but other Ministers have their own unique styles.

Michael Gove has a nifty black latex number complete with multiple zips.

Matt Hancock ordered himself top of the range medical grade masks from Turkey. Unfortunately, they turned out to be white rubber bands with no actual material between them. Still, he continues to wear his ‘protective ear loops’ with pride.

Dominic Raab refuses to wear a mask because they’re ‘like something out of Game of Thrones’ and the only reason he’d wear a mask is if the Queen farted in his face.

Meanwhile, Priti Patel has harvested a collection of masks made from the skin of dead immigrants.

“Just because they don’t have enough points, doesn’t mean they’re completely useless,” she explained.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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